Urban Legends Exposed - Hot Soccer Moms

Urban Legends Exposed - The so called "Hot Soccer Mom."

There is a lot of buzz around the neighborhood and on the internet about so called "hot soccer moms", or hockey moms for that matter. Based on the hundreds of hours of research I have selflessly conducted, I have no choice but to conclude that in fact, the hot soccer mom is nothing more than an urban legend. According to the internet, we would be led to believe that soccer moms are MILFs and:
a) hot
b) horny
c) willing to do anything in the back of a minivan for a few bucks in front of a camcorder
d) completely shaved
e) have multiple tattoos and piercings
f) always insist on anal
g) always insist you shoot on their face (they LOVE it).

You may be shocked to learn that these "facts" are UNTRUE! I myself could not believe it - after all, we know that all material printed on the internet undergoes painstaking scrutiny to ensure clarity and accuracy, and all facts are checked and double checked to ensure the highest possible level of integrity. Integrity on the internet is protected like the sacred chalice of Ohlmeek - the holy bearded clam of the Aztecs. And yet, nevertheless, I have no choice but to conclude that the women in these "real" videos are in fact "actresses" and are hired to "act" in these films. Sorry for the quotes, but let's not pretend that they in any way do anything legitimate or worthy of respect.

I realize that I am taking a great personal risk by speaking out against the protected truths of the internet, but until I get silenced I must tell you what I have discovered. This, below, is the actual typical soccer mom:

I took this picture myself. Where? At a soccer game. The camera was concealed in my shorts and covered in crotch sweat. After seeing so many hot soccer moms on the internet, I of course signed my kids right up in anticipation of enjoying the eye candy every week and later touching myself. But I encountered nothing but crushing disappointment. In fact, I have been through three seasons of soccer in two separate regions, plus baseball, and have found that the average soccer mom is a fat, sloppy, track-panted slob who is sure that her bratty snot-nosed kid is better at everything than everyone else's bratty snot-nosed kid. TRUE! In fact the hottest women I have seen at kids sports is "Overtan lady" who was hot 15 years ago, but now just has cankles and a mustache, and "Bucktooth" who at least has good hair but could eat an apple through a chain link fence. That's it.

And it doesn't stop there. Let's talk hockey moms. Hockey moms are slightly better kempt than soccer moms. Soccer is played in the summer evenings, but hockey requires getting up and delivering the little punks to the arena early in the morning on weekends. Also, because arenas are cold, you might expect to see a little nippleage but you would be disappointed - everyone is well covered up which leaves a lot to the imagination. Soccer moms can let their fat rolls hang low over their pants, but hockey moms keep covered up. With much of the sloppiness concealed, how can you tell who takes care of themselves? Scanning the crowd all I see is row after row of bed-head. Not one single one of them has brushed their hair, never mind bathed or applied make-up - it's not like being at work where their looks can count for something and be used to their advantage. Nothing but disappointment as far as the eye can see. Now you know the terrible truth. Spread the word, but please be careful - when I am taken out, all who have accessed this web page will be hunted down as well - so cover your tracks!

Now you know the truth - fight the power!